This Just In

US to give Pakistan $500 million to help its economy; unemployed, soon-to-be out-of-unemployment benefits US workers counseled to move to Pakistan for possible job openings



USC fires AD Garrett, returns RB Bush's Heisman; Its claim it got Bushwhacked, though, while true, rings hollow



Chinese workers strike for better working conditions; labor officials decry demand for 65 hour work week



LeGone James settling into Miami, salivating over title rings to come; he's going to be really bummed when he finds out he is still in the same conference as Boston



G Steinbrenner gone; no truth to rumors he made a $200 million offer to spruce up the pearly gates



Goldman Sucks to pay $500 million to settle SEC fraud suit; or in other works about a month or two's worth of work bamboozling the rest of us



BP cap seems to be working, but there appears to be some leakage; is it just me or does this sound like an ad opportunity for Flomax?

US Congress obtains 60th vote to allow democrats to extend unemployment benefits. Obama is quoted as saying "this is a victory for all those who wish to remain unemployed". When asked about republicans stalling the vote out of budgetary concerns Obama stated "what I still have checks in my checkbook".



US Judge in Conn rules Cheerleading is not a sport. Cheerleaders set to march on Washington DC in protest the second weekend in August.



In an unrelated story a big boom to economies in and around Washington DC, every hotel has sold out. Economists in Washington are baffled and blame the tea parties.



WhiteHouse orders BP to remove cap from well. Officials stated "We don't know what kind of environmental impact the leaks could have in the Gulf region".



Obama shoots an 11 over par during weekly golf outing. "If I get out enough, I might get good enough to play in the Pebble Beach Pro AM with Tiger and afterwards who knows"



Cleveland ends national day of mourning for LeGone. NBA commisioner points out the every NBA team that has won a championship has done so without LeGone James.

imuakahuku wrote:
Cleveland ends national day of mourning for LeGone. NBA commisioner points out the every NBA team that has won a championship has done so without LeGone James.

This one is hilarious! The others are good too....Thanks! Come on others weigh in!

Utah petitions to get out of it's commitment to join the Pac-10 after they find out that playing the Trojans wasn't the ones they usually steal from the drug store.



UNLV welcomes ex Oregon QB Masoli with open arms. Rebel head coach Bobby Hauck is quoted as saying "we are real 'HIGH' on the young man and are hoping he could steal a couple of wins for us this season.

Apple CEO Steve "the baldie" Jobs announces that his brand new iTOY has the same problems as the rest of the Smartphone industry except the one key difference of rapidly dropping sales.



Shawn Bradley, former BYU standout, has been accused of running for public office in Utah. Former NBA Teammates are shocked saying the man never jumped, shot, or RAN in his entire life.



Shawn Bradley in a defiant, outraged response says he is NOT running for office, but simply trying to BLOCK a Democrat from winning. Teammates apologize for the misunderstanding and agree that he does have the necessary experience.



IMF recently cancelled $268 Million of debt owed by Haiti; Immediately after they are besieged by loan requests from GM, Ford, and Utah Graduates.



Speaking of Graduates - BYU graduates can expect to earn nearly $800k over 30 years. UofU grads unfortunately only $434K. Chevron, BP, and Tesoro Quickie stations immediately release statements of shock claiming they "don't pay their employees NEARLY that much over 30 years."

Sex slave trade uncovered. Afgan soldiers are discovered being sold as sex slaves in Canada. When interviewed the Afgan soldiers were heard to say, "they said there was a BMW waiting for us and all we had to do was show up". They were disappointed when they discovered that BMW actually stood for "Big Mexican Woman".



Magic Johnson reportedly exclaimed over the weekend when asked about LeGone James joining other big name stars like Wade and Bosh, "I would never have sunk so low. I just made due with average players like Jabbar and Worthy".



Hillary spotted at knife shop buying two knives. Obama and Bill spotted next door shopping for a knife proof back protector and a metal cup respectively.



Harry Reid continued to insist over the weekend that there were no illegal immigrants working construction in Nevada. He was quoted as saying, "anything you say is completely..hold on, Poncho, where's the rest of your mara? If they don't get their lazy butts back here and finish my basement I'll call La Migra! Remeber there are a lot of you guys out there at Home Depot so you better get to work! As I was saying your accusation is completely baseless and I resent it".

Mel Gibson to face trial for domestic violence. If convicted, he stands to serve 14 days in the Thunderdome.



In other Mel Gibson news, last week he surpassed the Glee cast on the Billboard charts for most recordings released in 2010.



It's not all bad news for Mel though. His recent troubles have landed him a guest spot writing blog posts for the Tea Party Express.

Lindsay Lohan's prison sentence reduced from 90 days to 2 weeks. In related news: Suicide rates amongst lesbian inmates up 85%



Asked if he thought that 2 weeks was still too harsh, Lohan's lawyer responded, "her current hangover will probably last another 3 weeks, so odds are she'll never even know she was there"



With his poll numbers dropping lower and lower each week, President Obama turns to his last resort for how to clean up all the oil in the gulf: allow John Travolta to style his hair with it once.



BYU library commercial copying "old spice" gets over 1 million views in just three days. In related news: Mormon Messages announces next five videos to have muscular black men in them

Well done people, well done...I got some good laughs for the day....

BoiseBYU wrote:
Well done people, well done...I got some good laughs for the day....

since when is my nickname "people?" :skeptic:

I think anytime we get a "This Just IN" that's this long, Boise should handout a top 3 of the week.



also...found this :



http://news.blogs.cnn.com/?hpt=T2



notice the title...the plagiarists!

Sue them!

Mars wrote:

BoiseBYU wrote:
Well done people, well done... I got some good laughs for the day...

since when is my nickname "people?"

Since never.

you got me there, copy-and-paste-cougarboard ;)