Rules for Dating My Daughter

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.



READ THE FOLLOWING RULES BEFORE SIGNING THIS ETERNAL BINDING DOCUMENT. MEMORIZE THEM SINCE YOU WILL BE GRILLED ABOUT THEM AND YOUR COMPREHENDSION OF THEM.



Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. MY BABY DAUGHTER IS NOT A PICK UP NOR IS SHE A DUMP TRUCK; SHE IS A VESSEL OF GREAT PURITY AND UNTAINTED CHASITY.



Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, you will be removing some bloody nubs.



Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.



Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.



Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."



Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make my precious baby shed a single tear, I will make you cry, but you will be doing without any eyes.



Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?



Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk’s homes are better. A double date with her mother and father is highly encouraged.



Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, several barrels of sulfuric acid, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.



Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely AND early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine and, yes, that is my Smith and Wesson Model 500 X0frame revolver in my hand. This gun makes Dirty Harry’s .44 magnum look like a Nerf gun.



NO TONGUE CARESSING, LIP LOCKS, OSCULATING, BUSSING, CANOODLING, SPIT SWAPPING, TONSIL HOCKEY, LIP PUSH-UPS, SNOGGING, OR SUCK FACE BEFORE, DURING, OR AFTER DATE.



REFERENCES SECTION:



Name:__________________________________

Date Of Birth:__________________________________ Height:__________________________________ Weight:__________________________________ IQ:__________________________________

GPA:__________________________________

Credit Rating:__________________________________

Social Security #:__________________________________

Driver’s License #:__________________________________



Boy Scout Rank and Badges (Use empty space on back if not enough room) ____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

______________________________



Home Address City/State__________________________________ Zip______



Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No

If No, explain: _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



Number of years they have been married: __________



If less than your age, explain: _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. __Yes __No Do you own or have access to a van?

B. __Yes __No A truck with oversized tires?

C. __Yes __No A waterbed?

D. __Yes __No A pickup with a mattress in the back?

E. __Yes __No A tattoo?

F. __Yes __No Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek, a belly button ring, or any type of body piercing?

NOTE: IF THERE ARE ANY TYPE OF PIERCING BELOW THE BELLY BUTTON AND YOU TELL ME THE TRUTH, I WILL BE MERCIFUL IN INTRODUCING THE REAPER TO YOU, OTHERWISE, I WILL SMEAR NUTELLA ALL OVER THE AREA OF THE PIERCING, CRY HAVOC, AND LET LOOSE THE SQUIRRELS OF WAR.



NOTE: If you answered "yes" to any of the above, discontinue application and leave premises immediately. I suggest running faster than the .500 Smith and Wesson magnum bullet coming at you at 1,550 ft/s (That’s about 1057 mph.) that I’m about to unload on you from my Smith & Wesson Model 500 X-frame revolver. The last 5 depraved, unprincipled miscreants and nefarious ne’er-do-wells were able to get of fours strides before the bullet tickled their buttocks.



ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



Church you attend ___________________________________________________



How often you attend ________________________________________________



Positions currently holding or have held in your church

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

_______________





When would be the best time to interview your:



Father: ________________________________________________



Mother: ________________________________________________



Pastor/Priest/Rabbi/Bishop: ________________________________________________



SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: (Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.)



A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: ____________________________________________________________________________________



B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ____________________________________________________________________________________



C: A woman's place is in the: ____________________________________________________________________________________



D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ____________________________________________________________________________________



E. What do you want to do IF you survive to grow up? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: ____________________________________________________________________________________



G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________



I swear that all information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, Native American ant torture, crucifixion, electrocution, Chinese water torture, red hot pokers, and Hillary Clinton kiss torture.



_________________________________________________________

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)



______________________________________

Mother's Signature



______________________________________

Father's Signature



______________________________________

Pastor/Priest/Rabbi/Bishop



______________________________________

State Representative/Congressman



Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow a minimum of four to six years for processing.



You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you "grave" injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)



May God have mercy on your soul….or what’s left of it after I get done with you if you lie or stretch the truth in any way.



I am a fully endowed member of D.A.D.D. (Dad Against Dating Daughters).

BTW, if you can think of any additions or modifications to increase the impact this documentation will have on any suitors for anybody's baby girl, please suggest them.

I knew squirrels would be part of it.

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That gun is not big enough. Do you have anything better?

Smaller gun=More pain/longer to die.

At first I thought this should be in the lounge section, but after reading through the application I find it impossible to relax, and I'm not considering dating anybody! ;) :D

In the free response "question" area, I would add the question: When you hear the word "proof," what is the first thing you think of. To this, the only acceptable answer should be: Geometry.



I would ask for five letters of recommendation (minimum 500 words each letter)from both girls he has previously dated and their parents.

Urroner -



May I offer up a Redd Foxx story. I'm sure you remember him whereas many of the younger posters here might not. Redd was a very colorful comedian. I will proceed to rephrase much of his "color" that was used in the following story:



A guy took Redd's daughter out on a date. After a nice meal and a movie, he asked her to go to a motel room with her. She protested telling him to immediately take her home to her Daddy. The boy says, "Woman, I spent $20 on you. $20 means we goin' to a motel room." Nonetheless, he relented and angrily took her home.



Upon entering her Daddy's home, she yelled out, "Daddy, Daddy, come quick." Redd jumps out of bed, throws his robe on, and walks out to the banister overlooking the couple below. He inquires, "What seems to be the problem here?" She replies, "This man wants to take me to a motel room." Redd give him the evil eye and asks, "That true, son." To which the young man responds, "Darn straight. I just spent $20 on your daughter." Redd exclaims, "$20," then looks at his daughter and says, "$20 means you going to a motel room!"



Although a very humorous story, having raised daughters myself, I wouldn't go there.

You missed the mandatory non refundable application fee

I love the letters of recommendation and the non-refundable fee.



The fee won't be $20, it'll be around $350, but I'll refund half if the application is accepted and then the rest if my daughter marries the guy and he survives longer than seven years. Shoot, if he survives seven years, I'll throw in an extra five dollars. Talk about a deal.

I think you can add the line...



I own 5 acres, a gun and a shovel, and I know how to use all three!