Urroner Sighting

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Looking for some great LDS humor? Here's a hilarious post by Urroner in the LDS Apologetics Forum:



"What if the Book of Mormon had been written by Dr. Seuss?"

Author: Unknown



Nephi: Of goodly parents I was born

I've never drunk, I've never sworn

This is Lehi, he's my dad

Laman, Lemuel, they are bad

And who is this? Why this is Sam

Yes, this is Sam;



Sam: Sam I am



Laman: That Sam I am, that Sam I am

I do not like that Sam I am



Sam: In a tent, my father dwelt



Laman: And it's so hot, I think I'll melt



Lemuel: Our father's brain is out of whack



Laman: Yeah, it's too hot, I'm going back



Lehi: Then go and get the plates my dear



Laman: On second thought, I'm staying here



Nephi: You said you'd leave and go away

Now all you want to do is stay?



Lemuel: That Nephi always gets his way



Laman: Here we are in this damp cave



Sam: We would not be here if you'd behave



Nephi: I will go and I will do

There's the angel, that's my cue

Laban's had too much to drink

Now he'll lose his head, I think



Nephi: Look what I found, a brother from the quorum



Sam: We will take him home, we will call him Zoram



Lemuel: Oh great, another pathetic life form



Laman: Our gold and silver we have spent

I do not like it in this tent



Lemuel: I cannot read the Liahona

I must have drunk too much Corona



Laman: We hate it here, we have no lives



Lehi: Then go back to the city and get some wives



Lehi: A tree, a tree, I see a tree

The fruit is white, the fruit is free

A floating building, could it be?

Why do they laugh and stare at me?



Laman, Lemuel, come and see



Laman: We will not eat your precious fruit



Lemuel: We will not wear a tie and suit



Laman: We will not help you build your boat



Lemuel: We do not think that it will float



Laman: No not this boat, it will not float

Not even in a shallow moat

I do not care what Nephi wrote



Lemuel: We will not eat your fruit I say



Laman: We will not eat it on a tray



Lemuel: And we won't eat it in a tent

Not even if your clothes you rent



Laman: We'd rather have a can of spam

L & L: We will not eat it, Sam I am



Sam: You do not like it, so you say

Try it, try it, and you may

Try it and you may I say



Laman: Sam, if you will let us be,

We will try it, you will see



L&L: Say, we like this fruit of life

Sorry that we caused such strife

You've saved us from an awful jam

Thank you, thank you, Sam I am

From http://toadland.net/1er/humor/book_lemuel.pdf (The kids in the early morning seminary class in my ward love this when I found it.)



The Book of Lemuel

11/09/2002 - creator unknown



Little known to the body of the church, during the summer of 1990, a hitchhiker traveling across the south west desert made a marvelous discovery while searching for a place to bed down in a cave. Unable to sleep, the hitchhiker began picking at a crack in the floor of the cave, and to his dismay found only the lid to a stone box. Upon removing the lid, he discovered a set of aluminum plates, a switchblade knife, and a pair of fuzzy dice.



In desperation for food, the hitchhiker sold the plates to an archaeologist from BYU whom he met at a Kentucky Fried Chicken place in Shiprock, New Mexico. The relics were reportedly sold for $100 and a bucket of the Colonel's extra crispy with extra coleslaw and mashed potatoes.



Archaeologists have determined that the plates date from approximately 600 BC and contain writings in reformed Egyptian, which seem to parallel the narrative account of the first book of The Book of Mormon. It is thought that the engravings were written by several men or by one slightly schizophrenic man.



The Church has delayed comment until the plates can be fully translated. I am proud to present this brief premier look at the here-to-date translated portion of these plates.



DEAR DIARY;

I, Lemuel, having been born of nagging parents, have therefore been harassed much of my life. Not only by my parents, but also by my younger brother, Nephi, and my older brother, Laman, with whom I get along best. There, I wrote it down. Now maybe my parents will get off my back about keeping a record. - Lemuel



DEAR DIARY;

It has finally happened! My father has become an absolute lunatic. He has decided that he "feels" that we should leave the big city and head into the wilderness. God only knows where. He started talking about leaving after he came home from yelling at some people to repent. He said they threw rocks at him. I think one of them must have beaned him on the noggin. He then went and laid on his bed for about 12 hours straight. I thought for a while that he was in a coma. - Lemuel



DEAR DIARY;

It looks like dad is serious about this leaving thing. He says he's had a dream in which God has told him to leave Jerusalem. I guess it couldn't have anything to do with the mastaccoli he ate before he went to bed. I always have dreams like that if I eat pizza just before I sleep. Laman and I are resisting, but it looks like we're going to have to go too. We don't really have to I guess, but if we don't how will we eat? Despair! I have a girlfriend and my own horse. Dad is loaded with gold which we can't take into the wilderness because it's too heavy. Of course, that Momma's boy, Nephi, is all eager to go right along. He makes me sick. I think I'll hurl my lunch if I see him again today! - Lemuel



DEAR DIARY;

We've been living in a tent for three days now. My neck hurts from sleeping on the ground. It must show, because Dad and Nephi keep commenting about my stiffneckedness. There are mosquitos everywhere, and I have blisters on my feet. Today Dad said, "O that thou mightest be like unto this valley, firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah" Whatever. Constant nagging; never lets up. And Nephi's not much better. I have to go now. - Lem.



DEAR DIARY;

Hi, I'm Lemuel, and I'm retarded.



DEAR DIARY;

I didn't write that last entry. Laman must have gotten ahold of the plates. Sometimes he's really a jerk. I wish there was a way to erase engravings; maybe a jeweler could fix it. Dad says we have to go back to town and get some brass plates from Laban. Sure, like Laban's going to say, "Here, take them. Maybe you want my coat too? You want that I should die of pneumonia, then you'll be happy?" He hit me once when we were younger because I spit on him. I'm not going. - Lem



DEAR DIARY;

Just got back from the city. It was alright, but the walk back was murder. Laman was picked to go talk to Laban, but he just went and got drunk with him. After than, we went back home and got Dad's gold; tried to buy the plates, but Laban's gang chased us away and stole our stuff. Laman was furious! I thought the veins in this forehead would blow up. He got a stick and we beat Nephi and Sam with it until we got tired. Finally, Nephi found Laban by a wall all hammered. He chopped off his head and took the plates. - Lem



DEAR DIARY;

Now Dad wants us to go back home and get Ishmael's family. He probably wants us to marry his daughters; he's got about a million kids. I guess I don't mind so much going back to Jerusalem this time; some of Ishmael's daughters have nice bods. Hey, what more could a man want? I'll write more when we get back. - Lem



DEAR DIARY;

Just got back. Ishmael's daughters are better than I remembered. But there is one that's awful ugly. She hangs on Laman like a bad suit. Nephi's been on our backs the whole time; keeps telling us to repent. Sheeeesh! It's not like I'm Cain or something! - Lem



DEAR DIARY;

I've had it out here! I'm no camper. I've had diarrhea for the last two months. I haven't been writing much lately because things have been really hard. Now the old man's got a ball he stares into about three hours every day. He says it tells him what to do. Mom's pregnant I think. Either that, or she has a tumor. I think she's too old to have a baby. I'm going to bed. - Lem



DEAR DIARY;

Mom was pregnant for sure. She had a boy, called him Joe. We all have families now, and most of us have at least one kid. I have two: Frank and Jesse. They're terrors, but I guess they'll grow out of it someday. I've got to write more often, but I always put it off. I don't know why, but my wife is getting really buff. I'm worried about it because she's almost gotten bigger than me. Laman's wife is huge. She's stronger than 8 cows. But then, I always told Laman he had gotten him an 8-cow wife. - Lem



DEAR DIARY;

Oy, Veh! Would that there was a good deli in this wilderness. I'm craving some bagels and lox, maybe pastrami on rye. Nephi's not even worried about food. He says God has told him to build a boat. He's never even seen a boat; Jerusalem's landlocked. I've never seen more than a glass of water at one time, let alone an ocean. And Nephi thinks he's Noah all of a sudden. He can't even shoot a bow; broke his last week and we all went a whole day without food because of it. He probably called it a fast. - Lem



DEAR DIARY;

Laman just gave me a tattoo. It hurts like the dickens. He rubbed salt in it before I could stop him; said it makes it feel better. I don't know why I let him do it; he can talk me into just about anything. I can't believe it's been 8 years since we left home, and here we are on a beach with a ship that probably won't even float. Mom had another baby, named him Jacob. I can already tell he's going to be nothing but trouble. - Lem



DEAR DIARY;

I'm really seasick. We've been having a party here on the ship Nephi made. It works pretty good; we've been floating around for about two weeks now. We tied Nephi up yesterday because he is so stiff. Laman got drunk and got really mad at him. We're having a really bad storm. Everybody says God is punishing us and that we should untie Nephi so we won't sink. Right! But maybe we will after Family Home Evening. - Lem.

Very kewl. Creative stuff.